You may or may not recall a little debacle about the “Hot Coffee” mod for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It was a cute little mini-game that allowed virtual you to have virtual sex with your virtual girlfriend. Even though the content was locked away because of the ESRB, it was still on the retail disc.

This was somehow offensive to people, and Rockstar was sued. Now that the lawsuit is settled, all the hypocritical pussies out there can get their slice of the censorship pie with a cash settlement of up to $35. Sweet justice!

I just recently found out about the settlement through a legal notice in the March issue of OXM. It basically states that if you purchased GTA: San Andreas before July 20, 2005, you most likely have a “first edition” disc that has the “Hot Coffee” content on it. If so, you can get in on the class action settlement, with differing amounts of cash depending on your “proof of offense”.

The basic rundown is like so:


I have some major issues with this. First of all, who has kept a receipt for a game they bought in 2005? Basically, nobody is “entitled” to the max amount of “up to $35”. Secondly, just claiming you bought the game is worth up to $5. This whole thing seems like a ploy to get people to jump on the “videogames are bad” bandwagon. Third, these numbers represent the maximum you could receive. The actual amount will be prorated based on the number of people who file a claim.

So the people that were actually “offended” can get a replacement disc, given they still have the game. This I can understand, but at the same time, anyone interested in GTA in the first place should be able to handle some virtual sex (especially when it’s not even in the game unless you want it to be) to offset all the killing. By contrast, the lawyers, who were personally not affected by the game, have claimed a million-dollar fee. Seems a little backwards, doesn’t it?

On top of all that, why would they advertise this in a gaming magazine? I mean, obviously there’s a good chance that the people who played San Andreas are, you know, gamers. They obviously would read about games — that makes sense. The type of people that are that into games that they actually get magazines about them, however, are also the type of people that would see this settlement notice and flip off that page of their magazine.

This brings me to the thing that really fills me with homicidal rage — “Hot Coffee” is a mod. It it completely inaccessible unless you purposely want to see it. On top of that, you can’t see it on the PS2 or Xbox unless you mod your console, WHICH IS ILLEGAL YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! People need to go out of their way to install a mod chip, breaking the law, in order to view this content. Even the PC version required you to violate the software agreement.

This is basically the equivalent of buying a Mustang, pulling out the speed limiter (which is illegal), and then suing Ford because driving really fast was so scary. They had the tools in place to block that, and you purposely circumvented that in order to do whatever you wanted. How exactly was this their fault? Next thing you know there will be a class action lawsuit against Hotmail for allowing porn in my mailbox. The horror!

The bottom line is that we live in a fucked-up country where it is okay to kill people, but not to have sex with them. Blame those Puritan assholes and their crazy feelings for turkey. The U.S. needs to take a cue from Europe and put some more boobies on television. Make love, not war, right?

Anyways, if you are interested in this waste of carbon or want something to shake your fist at, visit the settlement website at Part of your legal rights is the ability to say you are not happy with the settlement, in which case you can write to the court with your complaints or comments. An address for said court is conveniently not given.


  1. Well said Dan. The whole thing was screwed up from the start. It’s wrong to be able to screw your girfriend, but here, have this other copy where you can still kill her instead! As you say, the only winners here (apart from publicity for Rockstar of course) are the lawyers.

  2. I been wondering if I am a douchebag. I also been wondering if looking for a receipt in my receipt tin is worth $35 bucks. Funny thing is that if I did claim, I would have literally made a 5$ profit if you don’t count tax then it would only be like $3 bucks since compusa advertised the game for $30 and I had cc price match it…

    I am however quite certain that I’m distressed enough over the xbox controls to swallow my conscious and sit at the table with these lawyers for a refund because that game sucked pretty bad.

    Of course I’m still not sure whether to bother looking for the receipt… It’s free money though right? no one else in america has a conscious so why should I?

  3. I have a conscience… or however it’s spelled. I think that things like this are insanely stupid. The fact that people are so greedy and stupid to go for something like makes me weep for the future. I understand the lawyers a little, I mean, it’s their job to try and make money from stupid things like this, but it’s judges and juries jobs to throw this shit out of court. This is, to me, at the same level as someone breaking into a store and then suing the owners because they cut their arm climbing through the window.

  4. Mr. Demon,

    I am afraid I have to disagree with the point you make in regards to judges and juries throwing this type of suit out. From my understanding, this is a settlement that has been reached by both parties to avoid a lengthy legal battle. In other words, the jury never had an opportunity to hear the case.

    I would argue that the true villain is TakeTwo Interactive Software. Instead of standing up to these bastards, who clearly never get laid, they decided that it would be more cost effective to settle. At some point you have to say the hell with money and fight for your rights.

    I am not an avid gamer; but I will be damned if my gaming options are limited in the future because of whiny, litigious people.

  5. Dave Mills,

    You should register with the site, join the forum, and introduce yourself to everyone. Even though you aren’t an avid gamer, maybe three free games will rectify that.

  6. The settlement dollar value has already been decided. If you don’t claim your $35 than the lawyers will probably just keep it. Why would you want to give more money to greedy lawyers to prove you aren’t a douche? The only acceptable thing to do here would be to collect your $35 from the lawyers and then promptly mail the money to Take Two Interactive.