Not content with the current level of Guitar Hero milking, what if Activision decided to take it to the next level with yet another game? We suggest — Vagina Hero!

We all know what the girls are thinking anyways when they get all googily-faced over guitarists, even fake guitarists. Might as well stop faking the funk and try to teach them boys something useful. So sit back and indulge, as we transport you to an alternate reality where a publisher by the name of “Arctivision” gives birth to “Vagina Hero”.

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life. The in-game screen above actually shows finger cues for the easy difficulty setting. Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:

“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled. We also offer a Girl Power Pack, but we aren’t ready to discuss the details of that quite yet.”

Isn’t this offensive? Doesn’t Arctivision worry that female gamers will be outraged by Vagina Hero?

“Absolutely not. If anything, we are doing women a great service. We are making foreplay interesting and exciting for guys while simultaneously giving them the practice they need so they know what they’re doing when they get there. I think women should be excited by the idea of no longer walking away from a sexual encounter with blue balls, or whatever the equivalent of that would be for women.”

Sounds like he hasn’t played enough of his own game. Speaking of which, we had a few hours to spend with a preview build of the game last night. So how does it play?

Okay, the best way I can explain it is that Vagina Hero is equal parts music-rhythm game, simulation, and real-time strategy. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s complicated.

The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face — the stage loads up and it’s just there.

Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that? We designed it and we don’t even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that’s the best we could do.”


Vagina Hero controller – aka: HodgePodge

As the EZ’s approach the middle of the screen, you need to tap the corresponding EZ button on your controller. Sounds easy enough, but this bitch has 6 buttons! Apparently, if you want to be a serious player, you need to get creative.

“Most people just use their thumb and pointer finger on their off-hand, but we’ve had a few people use other body parts. Personally, if you want to really see what you’re doing, the two hand approach is best. You could also just mash all the buttons at the same time with your fist and hope to get lucky.”

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Overall, the game looks very promising. Arctivision confirmed that there would be a multiplayer mode, but they weren’t ready to discuss that quite yet. The only info we could pry out of them was that “multiplayer will quite literally blow your pants off.” Cryptic…

Arctivision left us with these final words as they ushered us out the door:

“Harmondix may have a leg up on us, but we’re not jerking around any more. We’re serious. We’re in this for the long haul, and we won’t stop until our fans are satisfied, and they’re never satisfied… which means we won’t stop.”

Oooo-kay…

Vagina Hero is tentatively scheduled for release this holiday on the Xbox 360, PS3, and Wii.

Words by Dan. Pictures by Chad.


196 COMMENTS

  1. Clearly written by a guy, without much pratice. Sorry to tell you that it does not work that way. All you would be doing for female gamers is giving them more finger callouses, which are not sexy, or useful for foreplay.

  2. Yo this deffinately needs to be completed… think about the revenue this could produce… i would put money on it!!! 3 thumbs way up!!!

  3. This makes AS MUCH SENSE as guitar hero AND it has pictures of your sister !

    Alright already, I admit I didn’t actually READ the article. I WAS BUSY!

  4. Would you play with the controller facing towards you or away from you? My best guess would be towards you but upside-down-doggie-style so you can get more angled leverage on the buttons… :p

    • Please, no. Vagina Hero is the best.
      Tough… A White, Wii-mote-like, cock-shaped controller would be interesting…

      Ooh! It should be covered with a touchpad-like skin! Then, there would be a game in which we would have to fap the controller! XD

      • Cock Hero would be far too easy and all stages would be the same. You’d just wag the Wiimote at the screen for a couple minutes and end with a perfect score every time. Unfortunately, you could only play it every couple of hours.

    • Guitar Hero can’t teach you to actually play a guitar either, but it may get you more interested in the pursuit. Same principle here.

  5. … I’m sorry but, “Cock Hero”? Really… That is relatively gay. Can’t imagine a woman would even play that…

  6. It’s not hard to teach one on one but students tend to get away from the “feel” on their own and bog down. Direct imitation with immediate feedback from me seems to work really well but all the abstract instruction on the web seems to make students over analyze it and forget that sympathetic motion is ultimately a feeling. Teaching it is much like teaching someone to roll their Rs – the technical information can actually get in the way of “getting it”.

  7. Jam the yellow button? That’s her peehole! That’s more likely to bring on excruciating pain than an orgasm… It’s the red one you’d want to focus on.

  8. Haha, I didn’t see Arctivision release this over the holiday. You lied to me Dan! Nice pictures Chad, “I just beat Veronica, on EXPERT!” *highfive* CLASSIC!

  9. There is actually 2 game modes, the first is Bachelor Mode which is what is shown on the website, unfortunately once you play the game for a few months, it will complain for you to activate Married Mode, if you resist the temptation to turn it on, after a random amount of time, it will active on it’s own.
    Once married mode is activated, it cannot be deactivated and the only way to play Bachelor Mode again is to throw the game away, and buy a new one. it even has it’s own controller which has only a Red and Orange button, the round starts off with you mashing the red button as fast as possible to get the Climax meter up a small percent, then you just pound the yellow button 5-6 times and the round is over. There is no points or achievements earned in Married Mode, the satisfaction of actually playing the game is good enough. Married Mode can also only be played once every few months. If you try to play it more often, it gives you a random error and turns back off.

  10. The problem with divorced mode is that your wife in Vagina Hero actually comes out of the T.v. and takes half the controller so you can never fully play again.
    The Lesson=Dont ever play Divorce mode man, its just not worth it

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