Far too often we’ve seen top ten lists about boobies, yet nobody seems to have taken the time to appreciate what’s really important about women — their hearts. Of course by hearts, I’m talking about the shape of their sweet, sweet asses. What, you thought I was actually going to be a gentleman and care about anything other than looks? Get real (that’s a joke, kids — respect your mother).

Anyhow, the point is that there are plenty of men (and women) in this world who would consider themselves fans of the bottom half. Men are actually very evenly divided between boob lovers and ass lovers, and we need to try to counterbalance all these titty lists with a list about butts.

We will be counting down the best heinies over the next several days, some of which may surprise you, but all of them are sure to please. So without further ado, I give you Ripten’s Top 10 Nicest Asses in Videogames! No, wait — here’s some more ado: many of these images are NSFW, so make sure you know who’s around before you start fapping.

Click images to enlarge.

#10 – Cortana (Halo 2 and 3)

Okay, let’s get a few things out of the way first. Some of you will argue that Cortana shouldn’t really count because she’s not real, she’s just a hologram. While that may be true, none of the videogame babes on this list are “real” so it’s almost hypocritical to exclude her for that reason. Within the context of the game, though, Cortana is actually modeled after her creator, Dr. Halsey, so maybe we should put her name up there instead of Cortana’s.

You also may have noticed that only Halo 2 and 3 are listed next to her name. Before any fanboys get all uppity, we are well aware that Cortana was in the original Halo. Maybe you should go back and check her out and then you’ll realize why we didn’t include it. Hint: she’s kinda ugly.

So what’s so great about Cortana’s booty? Well, for one thing she’s pretty much attached to the Master Chief so he can just pop her out any time he wants to have a gander at that rear or, you know, talk to her. Additionally, she’s a hologram and semi-transparent, so you can stare at her ass even when you’re in front of her. How great is that!  She also appears to be filled with some kind of fizzy, delicious raspberry soda, so that’s a plus.

The major downfall here is, obviously, that you can’t ever touch her (not that you could really touch any of these girls, but you know what I mean). This isn’t like a sexual harassment or work appropriate kind of thing, it’s because she’s a freaking hologram. No matter how hot she may get or how many digital squats she does to perk up that posterior, it ultimately just makes her that much more of a tease. For this reason alone, we can’t justify having her any higher on the list than number 10.

And now, let’s look at the evidence (click to enlarge):

I believe we’ve made our point.

Tune in tomorrow for our 9th best booty as we count down the Top 10 Nicest Asses in Videogames.

Jump to #9 : click here

72 COMMENTS

  1. Even though Cookigaki is a boob man, Cookigaki can certainly appreciate some nice asses. There better be some of Cookigaki’s games on this list or Cookigaki will be angry!

    • cookigaki please take on as your apprentice BECUASE IF YOU DONT………..KNOW WERE YOUR COOKIES ARE!!! DUN DUN DUN (SCARY STALKER SCARE MUSIC)
      BOO

  2. Should have worked on this(behind the scenes) for a week or two before publishing it(so that all 10 were in 1 post). You’d probably get more traffic from digg(all 10 in 1 post would be digg worthy). . .than doing a series of posts like this.

  3. Four20,

    Thanks for the feedback. I actually did work on the whole thing already but I didn’t publish them in one post or one day for a few reasons, some of which relate to the limitations of the site and our inability to do pages.

    I also thought the multiple posts direction would work better since it would break up the images better and not be a bitch to 56k users (which there are still a surprising number of) and allow more room for each booty on the list. I know IGN likely doesn’t think about digg, but they also do their countdown lists one each day, for whatever reason.

    When all is said and done, there will be a navigation at the bottom with all 10 posts linked. If that would then be digg-worthy, I’d be more than happy if you submitted it once the last one went up.

    Thanks for reading, and thanks again for your comment.

  4. Another article from Lady Landis. I guess he’s out to prove to the world that he likes girls after all. Don’t worry, Obama’s the president now. Change will come. You and your lover no longer have to hide in the shadows.

  5. “I also thought the multiple posts direction would work better since it would break up the images better and not be a bitch to 56k users”

    That’s really not a good reason, imo. The internet is not really set up for 56k any more, nor should it be.

  6. So you would rather have just one article that is a mile long and features 50 pictures and a few videos? People already complain about the length of some of our reviews, and I thought this would be an easy article to break up. We did the exact same thing last year with our Most Badass Weapons list.

  7. “So you would rather have just one article that is a mile long and features 50 pictures and a few videos?”

    Yes.

    “People already complain about the length of some of our reviews”

    I don’t know of one website or magazine that gives SHORT reviews for games. Not really a problem here.

  8. Well, I don’t have a problem with our reviews, but saying that no magazine gives short reviews is way wrong. Almost all magazines give short reviews and only do long ones for big features. The latest OXM, for example, has 6 reviews on one page and are basically only a single paragraph. Not all of them are like that, but 99% of them are still shorter than our reviews.

    I know some people would actually prefer one long post, but for this list it isn’t happening. Of course people want the whole thing now, but it’s more of a Top 10 countdown I guess. It’s still gonna be multiple posts over a few days and that’s that.

  9. I personally nominate Cassandra, Sophitia, or Ivy’s asses from the soulcalibur games (Specifically soulcalibur 4 with those nice shiny graphics.)

    Cassandra and sophitia’s rumps mainly, because they are actually weapons. Cassandra’s finisher involves her butt-slamming her enemies’ faces into oblivion, and sophitia has a similar grab move.

    Efficiency in combat combined with eye candy = a very nice body feature.

  10. There damn well better be some guys on the list. Such as:

    Solid Snake is a given…you’d need light, flexible clothing for his trade, and all the croutching/hiding positions definitely help showcase his spandex booty!

    Ganondorf in Smash Bros: say what you will about him in the face department…but he has a huge, muscular ass any guy would love to smack around. Captain Falcon is the light version, nice butt as well.

    Chris Redfield and Carlos in Res Evil games aint bad neither…maybe I’m biased ’cause of his nice upper body, but his stocky frame in general and the pack right above his booty just makes you wanna know how built that butt is too.

    Yunsung in Soul Calibur must have a pretty nice butt, all the crazy leg kicks he has, you KNOW that ish is firm and tight.

  11. For the author of this blog, I have a burning question for you. In your ranking photos there was one with with three female in it, two humans and one dark elf. I was would like to know if you remember the game they are from? I know I saw them before I just can’t recall on the top of my head. Thank you in advance, if you remember that is.

  12. This sort of puerile misogyny is precisely the kind of thing that prevents gaming from being accepted as a legitimate, mature form of entertainment.

    • Any extended form of sex appeal, violence or in-depth psychological puzzle tends to qualify a game as being mature.

      Appreciation of (female) sexuality does not indicate misogyny (a hatred of women as a sexually defined group), or (male) sexuality as misandry (a hatred of men as a sexually defined group).

      Gaming is a form of legitimate mature entertainment whether it is accepted or not and why do you care what others think.

      Your statement reminds me of children who giggle when “vagina” and similar terms are mentioned. Sexual forms or activities in games are adult in nature and cannot be considered childish, although rating them or their “performance” might be.

      Oh, that reminds me, only one synonym per sentence please, (how is that for childish).

      This reply is childish, as are most of the comments here.

      Show appreciation for the fact that they are willing to show that which others censor.

    • Any extended form of sex appeal, violence or in-depth psychological puzzle tends to qualify a game as being mature.

      Appreciation of (female) sexuality does not indicate misogyny (a hatred of women as a sexually defined group), or (male) sexuality as misandry (a hatred of men as a sexually defined group).

      Gaming is a form of legitimate mature entertainment whether it is accepted or not and why do you care what others think.

      Your statement reminds me of children who giggle when “vagina” and similar terms are mentioned. Sexual forms or activities in games are adult in nature and cannot be considered childish, although rating them or their “performance” might be.

      Oh, that reminds me, only one synonym per sentence please, (how is that for childish).

      This reply is childish, as are most of the comments here.

      Show appreciation for the fact that they are willing to show that which others censor.

    • Any extended form of sex appeal, violence or in-depth psychological puzzle tends to qualify a game as being mature.

      Appreciation of (female) sexuality does not indicate misogyny (a hatred of women as a sexually defined group), or (male) sexuality as misandry (a hatred of men as a sexually defined group).

      Gaming is a form of legitimate mature entertainment whether it is accepted or not and why do you care what others think.

      Your statement reminds me of children who giggle when “vagina” and similar terms are mentioned. Sexual forms or activities in games are adult in nature and cannot be considered childish, although rating them or their “performance” might be.

      Oh, that reminds me, only one synonym per sentence please, (how is that for childish).

      This reply is childish, as are most of the comments here.

      Show appreciation for the fact that they are willing to show that which others censor.

    • How the fuck did you get the most likes?
      You’re just another feminist that think they’re “morally right” for shunning anything related to sex in their media. How is admiring a female “misogyny”? It’s exactly the opposite of that, idiot.
      You’re not that bright, you can just use a few big words that you obviously don’t understand to support your argument that goes against how we were created as humans.

    • SHUT. UP. Political, buzz-killing, smart-ass. If youre gonna read the article, JUST to post a comment like that, then just read something else. You ruin it for everybody else.

  13. Anonymous down there is right.

    Also, this really should be called “Top Ten Female Asses”. Snake at the very least should be here, he deserves it eversomuch. I could name a few more, but given the precedent further down in the comments, I would just be written off as a “fag”, since there are no girls on the internet, right? And no girls play gaemz rite gaez?! Lolz!!

    • We’ve been meaning to make a new list with much more man ass.  Commander Shepard belongs on here, his ass is top notch.  We know, we suck.

    • you know where you can find mens butts? in womens magasines if you didn’t want to see womens sexy assses then why did you click on it. to complain that’s why because complaining makes you feel important. and just because you fool yourself into thinking your a girl doesn’t mena you are. you still have an adams apple and still have a male brain.

  14. Seriously? I came to this site, saw this article, and instantly knew I would never come here again. I’m not offended, but if this is the sort of articles you post, I’m not interested. Way to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

  15. Seriously? I came to this site, saw this article, and instantly knew I would never come here again. I’m not offended, but if this is the sort of articles you post, I’m not interested. Way to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

  16. Whoever made this list is really sad!! :) Also you used Cortana fan art which is completely invalid. It’s not in game, and anyone or anything can have a nice bum if the artist decides it needs to have one. Fail.

  17. This may be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Way to lower the bar Dan Landis. It’s stuff like this that makes me embarrassed to be a gamer.

  18. LoL wtf am I reading. This is beyond useless, let us discover our favorite butts on our own please. This is just silly.

    /agree with FiachSidhe

  19. geez why are you even here if you don’t like this stuff. what do you just want to rain on everyone’s parade just because you “feel bad about your body sometimes” boohoo I feel sad” suck it up and get over yourself. acting offended to make yourself feel better isn’t a long term solution. you need to accept what you are or just get over it already.

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