So there I was, Mjolnir in hand. I had long, flowing locks of blond hair, a sweet cape, chest armor with six nipples, and I could ride the clouds while shouting obscenities in Nordic. My muscles were a little smaller than usual, but I know not everyone can be Dan Landis. I smash apart these ice jerks with my hammer, and they explode into surprisingly bloody chunks that collected on the ground like the T-1000, slowly morphing into hot naked chicks that attached themselves to my penis as I flew back to Asgard, my day’s work complete. Wow, Thor is pretty awesome!

Of course, this was just the dream I had after playing Thor: God of Thunder for 15 minutes and getting so bored that it actually put me to sleep. No lie. Not an exaggeration. I literally passed out from boredom while playing Thor. X, X, X… snore. I think I may have pushed Y a few times too, I can’t really remember. In between bouts of boredom, Thor is also dull and irritating.

The story is sort of a prequel to the movie. Thor is tricked into believing one of his buddies is killed, so he gets all pissed off and goes on a rampage. If you know anything about Thor, you probably already guessed that Loki is behind this whole plot. How can Thor really be stupid enough to be repeatedly tricked by Loki? Seriously, Thor, quit being such a retard. Pick up one of the 600 or so Thor comics and try to learn something. The story doesn’t really matter, though, because the gameplay is so terrible that you wouldn’t suffer through it long enough to see where the narrative goes anyway.

Even with six nipples, Thor still can't manage to turn me on.

My biggest problem is the lag between when I push the button and when Thor decides there’s enough of a impulse to make him swing that hammer. Then when he does actually move his stupid little arm, he swings wildly and misses the bad guy I was trying to clobber. This ultimately led me to just repeatedly hit the X button and hope that Thor will eventually get around to destroying my enemies. Attacking in this game is like cleaning your floors with a Roomba, except the Roomba has better hit detection.

This actually reminds me of the games I played as a kid. I would be pretend fighting with my friends, or we would be pretend shooting at each other, and then someone would yell “Hey, I totally got you!” And of course my response at the time was “Bullshit, you missed!” It doesn’t matter if it looked like I was gonna get hit or not; I didn’t really feel like getting hit, so I just decided I wasn’t going to get hit. Simple logic for a kid. Well, the enemies in Thor have that same logic. You could swing Mjolnir right square through the middle of their stupid faces and still not hit them, or you could manage to hit a guy behind you that you weren’t swinging at (usually not), or you could fall over from an enemy’s attack that happened 4 seconds ago on the other side of the room. If I cared at all about helping Thor succeed in his totally unnecessary mission, I might be upset when the enemies make him all dead and stuff.

To make matters worse, Thor can’t even fly! Seriously, what the hell, Liquid? He flies in cutscenes, he flies in the movie the game is based off of, but the player cannot will Thor into the air. Well, he does sometimes fall down in the air when he dies, but that’s just a glitch. This is like a Superman game where you can’t fly or a flight simulator where you can’t fly. Odin has some pretty huge balls, but even they are not as big as the one that Liquid dropped here.

I've hit you countless times yet you refuse to play dead! Stop your maniacal laughing!

The character and creature designs are actually pretty decent, but the graphics are bad enough that it doesn’t matter. It’s almost as if the entire screen were smeared with grease to add that extra sheen of blurriness that we all love. Adding to that the stuttering frame rate and the camera that just never seems to do what I want, there is visually nothing about Thor that doesn’t make me want to actually pay attention to my girlfriend instead.

After my brief-but-still-way-too-long experience with Thor: God of Thunder, I took a stroll down to my local Best Buy and asked how much I could get for a trade-in. “Twenty bucks,” they say. Well, that’s a sweet deal, so I hand the guy the game. “No, no,” he says. “You pay us $20 to take that piece of shit off your hands for you.” Well, in that case I’ll show this game how it’s done and just smash it to pieces with my hammer. Hey look, real life hit detection is pretty good!

God damn yourself, Thor.

Here’s The Rundown:

+ My Xbox 360 has an eject button
+ Smashed disc looks pretty
+ My hammer skill leveled up
The visuals
– The controls
– The voice acting
– The story
– The time from my lifespan that I’ll never get back
– Forced me to have conversations with womenfolk

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Thor: God of Thunder was developed by Liquid Entertainment and published by Sega.  It was released on May 3, 2011, for the Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, PC, DS, 3DS, and PSP.  This copy was provided to me by Dave, but I don’t know where he got it.  Probably spawned on his doorstep from the most boring part of hell.  I played this game on the Xbox 360 until just prior to becoming a narcoleptic, which in this case was about 5 levels.  This game is presented in 3D, but I didn’t see a point in that feature unless it projected a comfy pillow.