I’m going to be the buzzkill. Don’t blow your hands, face or… um… happy bits off today. Don’t try to rocket jump because you’ve had one too many Bud Light Limes. Don’t think that you’re a bad ass that knows how to use explosives because you play a Sapper in WoW. It will end in misery, and your significant other will laugh at you even harder the next time you need her to open the pickle jar. Yes, guys, I’m talking to you. We all know women have stronger hands.

Just go eat some burgers and dogs, hang out with friends and family, play a few games and enjoy your freedom.

OK, fine. We’ll give you a ride to the emergency room.


Happy birthday, America. We love you.